How Good Dads Become Great: 50 Signs You Can Be a Better Dad
I remember one evening when my son, eyes shining with excitement, wanted to show me his latest Minecraft creation. My phone pinged, I glanced at it, and before I knew it, I was scrolling through social media while mumbling “Uh-huh” to my boy. A few minutes later, I looked up—and he’d wandered off with a quiet sigh. It was a wake-up call: while I was there in body, I was missing in spirit.
We’ve all been there, right? We get tired. We get stressed. We slip into old habits, ones we might have inherited from our own childhoods. The good news is, we can change. The following list doesn’t aim to judge or shame. Instead, it’s a tool to spark your self-awareness and prompt real growth. Fatherhood isn’t about having it all figured out—it’s about continually showing up, reflecting, and doing better each day.
Below you’ll find 50 subtle “red flags” that many dads (myself included) stumble into at some point. If you spot yourself in any of them, don’t panic: awareness is the first step toward change. In fact, you might just find the key to unlocking a healthier, more joyful relationship with your children and partner.
Part 1: Building Emotional Connection
1. Emotionally Checking Out
Red Flag: You’re present physically but miles away mentally—on your phone, lost in thoughts, or brushing off your child’s attempts to connect.
Ask Yourself: When was the last time I showed a genuine curiosity about my child’s world?
Try This: Aim for at least 10 minutes of uninterrupted, phone-free time with each child every day. It could be chatting about their favourite game, drawing together, or simply being fully present in conversation.
2. Reacting Instead of Responding
Red Flag: You catch yourself snapping, shouting, or speaking harshly before you’ve taken a moment to breathe.
Ask Yourself: Am I really angry with my child, or is something else—like work stress—fuelling this outburst?
Try This: When you feel the frustration bubble up, take a deep breath (or two). If it helps, calmly say, “Give me a moment—I need to think,” before responding.
3. Avoiding Difficult Conversations
Red Flag: You dodge emotional topics, shut down discussions about feelings, or change the subject when your child is upset.
Ask Yourself: Do I listen openly, or do I subtly tell my child their problems aren’t worth discussing?
Try This: Create a “safe zone” for tough talks. Sit together in a comfortable spot—maybe during a walk—so the conversation feels less intimidating.
4. Saying “I’m Too Busy” Too Often
Red Flag: Every time your child wants to play, share something exciting, or needs help, your gut response is “Not now, I’m busy.”
Ask Yourself: If my child only gets rejections from me, how long before they stop asking?
Try This: Block out time in your schedule—just as you do with work or errands—to spend with your kids. Even 20 focused minutes can mean the world to them.
5. Using Shame as a Parenting Tool
Red Flag: Remarks like “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” or “You’re so lazy!” slip out in heated moments.
Ask Yourself: Is this really teaching them, or is it just hurting them?
Try This: Correct the behaviour, not the child’s character. Focus on the specific action, and give constructive feedback: “What happened here, and how can we fix it together?”
6. Not Letting Your Child Express Their Feelings
Red Flag: Phrases like “Stop crying,” “Man up,” or “It’s not that big a deal” might feel small but can be profoundly invalidating.
Ask Yourself: Am I teaching my child that their emotions matter, or that they’re inconvenient?
Try This: Use active listening—eye contact, nodding, gentle prompts like “Tell me more.” Sometimes kids just need to feel heard.
7. Seeing Discipline as Control Instead of Guidance
Red Flag: You rely on a “Because I said so!” approach, focusing on obedience over understanding.
Ask Yourself: Am I punishing my child or teaching them how to do better?
Try This: Explain the reasons behind rules. Encourage their questions and guide them to find a positive solution themselves.
8. Focusing Only on Achievements
Red Flag: You offer praise mainly when your child “wins” or meets certain benchmarks, but rarely celebrate small efforts or progress.
Ask Yourself: Does my child think they have to earn my love through success?
Try This: Acknowledge effort—“You worked really hard on that,” or “I’m proud of how you kept trying!”—even if the outcome isn’t perfect.
9. Ignoring Your Own Triggers and Unresolved Childhood Wounds
Red Flag: You find yourself overreacting to certain behaviours—suddenly furious over small things that remind you of your own past.
Ask Yourself: Am I parenting my child, or reacting to my own childhood?
Try This: Recognise the feeling, step away if you need a breather, and—if necessary—seek out resources or a counsellor to help you process unresolved hurts.
10. Believing “I’m Not That Bad” Is Good Enough
Red Flag: You tell yourself, “At least I’m better than my own dad,” but don’t try to push for greatness.
Ask Yourself: Am I using my past as a get-out-of-jail-free card?
Try This: Make a list of qualities you do want to embody. Challenge yourself to improve one area each week—like being more patient or more playful.
Action Step
Pick one red flag from above that resonates with you. Write down one tiny change you can make—today—to move in a healthier direction. Consider sharing it in the comments below (or with a friend) for extra accountability.
Part 2: Communication & Discipline
11. Using Physical Punishment
Red Flag: Smacking, hitting, or any form of violence might feel like a quick fix, but it erodes trust, builds resentment, and teaches aggression.
Ask Yourself: If an adult did something wrong, would I hit them? Why am I using force on someone smaller?
Try This: Research other discipline methods—like time-ins, problem-solving discussions, or positive consequences—to guide rather than intimidate.
12. Expecting Perfection (From Yourself or Your Child)
Red Flag: You’re so afraid of making mistakes—or letting your child make mistakes—that you’re both on edge.
Ask Yourself: Do I allow space for imperfection and apologise when I make a slip?
Try This: Model vulnerability. Show your kids that messing up is part of learning. A genuine apology from you can speak volumes.
13. Treating Chores as Punishment
Red Flag: You only assign household tasks when your child misbehaves, framing chores as a punishment rather than shared responsibility.
Ask Yourself: What does this teach my child about contributing to a family?
Try This: Work side by side on chores. Celebrate a “job well done” as you would a team effort.
14. Reacting to Big Emotions with Bigger Emotions
Red Flag: Your child’s meltdown triggers your own meltdown—leaving everyone in tears or shouting.
Ask Yourself: Am I teaching them how to handle turmoil calmly or showing them chaos?
Try This: In a heated moment, get low at their eye level, speak softly, and label the feeling: “You’re upset. I’m listening. Let’s figure it out together.”
15. Using Sarcasm or Humour as a Shield
Red Flag: You deflect every serious topic with a joke, or use sarcasm to belittle what your child is saying.
Ask Yourself: Am I avoiding vulnerability because it makes me uncomfortable?
Try This: Pay attention to your impulse to crack a joke when the conversation gets heavy. Pause, take a breath, and see if you can hold the space for honesty instead.
16. Not Encouraging Healthy Friendships
Red Flag: You don’t help your child navigate social skills or arrange playdates, missing out on opportunities to boost their social confidence.
Ask Yourself: Am I leaving my child to figure out friendships on their own?
Try This: Offer support—ask about their friends, share your own experiences, and talk about what healthy friendships look like.
17. Taking Your Stress Out on the Family
Red Flag: You’ve had a rough day, and suddenly you’re barking orders at home, snapping at the slightest inconvenience.
Ask Yourself: Am I punishing my child for my bad day?
Try This: Take a “transition break” when you get home—five minutes to breathe, wash your face, or decompress—before engaging with the family.
18. Not Letting Your Child Struggle or Fail
Red Flag: You swoop in to solve every problem, tie every shoelace, and shield your child from all disappointment.
Ask Yourself: Am I teaching resilience, or just making them dependent on me?
Try This: Let them try, and fail, in a safe environment. Offer encouragement, not instant solutions.
19. Being More Focused on ‘Providing’ Than ‘Being Present’
Red Flag: You pour all your time into earning money, believing that’s your biggest contribution, and end up barely seeing your child.
Ask Yourself: Do my kids want more stuff, or more of me?
Try This: Schedule regular one-on-one “dates” with each child—movie night, game night, or even a simple walk—where the focus is purely on connection.
20. Dismissing the Importance of Mental Health
Red Flag: You think “real men don’t talk about their feelings” or that therapy is a weakness.
Ask Yourself: Am I passing down unhealthy coping mechanisms to my child?
Try This: Normalise the conversation around mental wellbeing. If you’re comfortable, share moments you felt anxious or stressed and how you handled it.
Action Step
Take a 30-Second Self-Check: Score each point above from 1 (Rarely) to 5 (Often). Where are you strongest? Where do you see room for improvement? Share your biggest aha moment in the comments below.
Part 3: Mindful Self-Awareness
21. Letting Your Past Define Your Parenting
Red Flag: You’re repeating toxic cycles or parenting out of fear because “that’s all you knew growing up.”
Ask Yourself: Am I raising my child intentionally, or just mimicking what was modelled for me?
Try This: Write down one parenting trait you disliked from your childhood. Commit to breaking that cycle by choosing a healthier, more conscious approach.
22. Avoiding Apologies
Red Flag: You never say “I’m sorry” to your child, even when you’ve clearly messed up.
Ask Yourself: Am I expecting my child to own their mistakes while I cling to my pride?
Try This: A genuine apology—“I’m sorry for shouting earlier. I was wrong.”—teaches humility and respect.
23. Assuming “That’s Just How I Am”
Red Flag: You brush off feedback by saying, “I’ve always been like this,” or “I’m just set in my ways.”
Ask Yourself: Am I using my personality as an excuse to avoid growth?
Try This: Identify one behaviour you’d like to tweak (e.g. interrupting your kids). Practise pausing, listening, and responding calmly instead.
24. Holding Grudges Against Your Child
Red Flag: You stay resentful or keep bringing up old mistakes, making your child feel forever indebted to you.
Ask Yourself: Am I forgiving my child, or am I quietly punishing them long after the incident?
Try This: Once an issue is resolved, let it go. Focus on rebuilding trust and moving forward.
25. Dismissing Your Child’s Interests
Red Flag: You roll your eyes when they talk about Minecraft, Pokémon, or the latest K-pop band.
Ask Yourself: Am I missing opportunities to bond because I can’t relate to their passion?
Try This: Ask them to teach you something about their interest. Curiosity shows love.
26. Not Recognising Gender Bias in Your Parenting
Red Flag: You treat daughters as delicate flowers but expect sons to “tough it out,” or vice versa.
Ask Yourself: Am I letting outdated ideas shape how I show love and support?
Try This: Tune in to your child’s individual personality and needs, regardless of gender.
27. Using Guilt to Get What You Want
Red Flag: You say, “After everything I do for you…” or “You’re making me so sad,” laying an emotional burden on them.
Ask Yourself: Do I want them to act out of guilt or genuine empathy?
Try This: Explain how their actions affect others, but avoid turning it into a blame game.
28. Not Seeing Yourself Through Your Child’s Eyes
Red Flag: You assume they don’t notice your tone, impatience, or how differently you act in public vs. private.
Ask Yourself: What would my child say if they were describing me to a friend?
Try This: Imagine yourself as a role model in their story. Every interaction is teaching them what adulthood—and fatherhood—looks like.
29. Letting Resentment Build in Your Relationship
Red Flag: You’re quietly fuming about issues with your partner, creating a tense home environment.
Ask Yourself: Am I working with my partner or against them?
Try This: Set aside weekly check-ins with your partner to air concerns kindly and proactively, rather than letting resentment simmer.
30. Being “Fun Dad” but Avoiding the Hard Stuff
Red Flag: You’re all about the games, trips, and laughs, but dodge discipline, bedtime routines, school troubles, or serious conversations.
Ask Yourself: Am I leaving the heavy lifting to Mum (or someone else) while I just play?
Try This: Step up and share the emotional load. If that means having a tough talk or enforcing a rule, do it with kindness and consistency.
Action Step
Consider journaling for five minutes a day. Note any triggers, frustrations, or little wins you experienced as a dad. Over time, patterns will emerge—giving you a roadmap for further self-improvement.
Part 4: Nurturing Relationships and Positive Home Environments
31. Not Prioritising Your Relationship with Their Mum
Red Flag: If you’re in a relationship, you’re distant, dismissive, or even disrespectful toward your partner. If you’re separated, you speak harshly about her.
Ask Yourself: Would I want my child to experience the same in their future relationships?
Try This: Show respectful communication—even in disagreements. Kids learn about love by watching you.
32. Seeing Your Child’s Independence as Rejection
Red Flag: When your child wants space—maybe to hang out with friends or read alone—you sulk or act hurt.
Ask Yourself: Do I take their growing independence personally?
Try This: Encourage it! Let them explore who they are. Be there as a safe harbour, not an anchor.
33. Using Comparison as Motivation
Red Flag: “Why can’t you behave like your sister?” or “Your friend does this so much better,” are seeds of self-doubt.
Ask Yourself: Am I appreciating my child for who they uniquely are?
Try This: Swap comparison for curiosity. Ask, “What do you think is challenging about this?” Encourage them to find solutions or support, without pitting them against others.
34. Assuming Your Child Will “Just Know” You Love Them
Red Flag: You rarely say “I love you,” give hugs, or express affection, believing it’s obvious.
Ask Yourself: Am I displaying love in ways that truly register with them?
Try This: Learn your child’s “love language”—quality time, words, touch, acts of service, or gifts. Show love on their terms.
35. Comparing Your Parenting to Others
Red Flag: You measure your success by looking at the dad next door or on social media, feeling either superior or like a failure.
Ask Yourself: Am I missing my own growth by constantly playing the comparison game?
Try This: Set personal goals based on where you want to be, not where someone else is.
36. Holding Onto the Belief “Real Men Don’t Apologise”
Red Flag: You refuse to say sorry, equating it with weakness. (This overlaps with #22 but is worth emphasising again because it’s so common!)
Ask Yourself: Do I secretly admire someone who can own their mistakes, yet not do the same?
Try This: Each time you slip up—raise your voice or break a promise—try an immediate, heartfelt apology. Watch how it strengthens your bond.
37. Not Talking About Consent, Boundaries, and Respect
Red Flag: You skip conversations about body autonomy or healthy relationship boundaries, hoping your child will “just figure it out.”
Ask Yourself: Do I want them learning about these values from social media, or from me?
Try This: Start simple: “If you don’t like a hug, it’s okay to say no. And if someone says ‘no’ to you, you respect that.” Build up to more nuanced discussions as they grow.
38. Acting Differently in Public vs. Private
Red Flag: You’re smiley, patient, and engaged when others are watching—but at home, you’re short-tempered or emotionally absent.
Ask Yourself: Which version of me does my child deserve?
Try This: Strive for consistency. If you can be patient at a family gathering, you can harness that same patience at home.
39. Expecting Gratitude Instead of Connection
Red Flag: You think, “After all I do for you, the least you could do is appreciate it!” more often than you’d like to admit.
Ask Yourself: Am I focusing on genuine connection, or craving external validation?
Try This: Shift the mindset: you’re not building a transactional relationship; you’re investing in a lifelong emotional bond.
40. Thinking “It’s Too Late to Change”
Red Flag: You believe your kids are too old, or you’ve been stuck in your ways too long, for growth to make a difference.
Ask Yourself: Do I really think my child wouldn’t notice—or appreciate—even small changes?
Try This: Start with one small change—like tucking them in at night with a thoughtful chat—and watch for the positive ripple effects.
Action Step
Reflect on your relationship with your partner or co-parent. How you collaborate (or clash) sets the emotional tone for the whole family. Jot down one way you can strengthen that partnership—anything from scheduling a weekly “coffee chat” to simply offering a heartfelt “thank you” for the little things they do.
Part 5: The Journey Continues
41. Holding Onto Resentment or Unhealed Pain
Red Flag: You find your own childhood experiences surfacing, causing anger or sadness you accidentally take out on your child.
Ask Yourself: Is this about my child’s action, or is it about a wound I never dealt with?
Try This: Seek professional help if needed. Healing your own scars is a huge gift not just to yourself, but to your entire family.
42. Breaking Promises Often
Red Flag: You promise to show up, help with homework, or take your child somewhere—and frequently back out.
Ask Yourself: Do I want my child to see me as reliable or flaky?
Try This: Only promise what you can fulfil. And if something truly comes up, apologise, explain why, and make it up when possible.
43. Being Unwilling to Let Your Child Challenge You
Red Flag: Your default response is “Because I said so!” whenever they ask “Why?”
Ask Yourself: Am I inviting curiosity, or shutting it down?
Try This: Encourage respectful questioning. It builds their confidence and understanding. If you don’t know the answer, explore it together.
44. Treating Sons and Daughters Unequally
Red Flag: You grant more freedom to your son while sheltering your daughter, or you encourage emotional openness in your daughter but not your son.
Ask Yourself: Is this about genuine individual needs, or just gender stereotypes?
Try This: Pause before deciding differently for each child—ask yourself why and ensure it’s based on personality, not preconceived ideas.
45. Holding Grudges About Typical Kid Behaviour
Red Flag: You get furious over standard childhood chaos—spilt drinks, muddy shoes, messy rooms—and treat it like a personal affront.
Ask Yourself: Am I blowing normal kid stuff out of proportion?
Try This: Remember kids are learning. Spills and scrapes are part of growing up. Correct them but keep perspective.
46. Thinking You Have to Do This Alone
Red Flag: You assume seeking help—counselling, support groups, parenting courses—is a sign of weakness.
Ask Yourself: If I needed coaching in a sport or skill, wouldn’t I seek it out? Why not in parenting?
Try This: Join a fatherhood community online or locally, chat with other dads, or read parenting books. We learn best when we learn together.
47. Dismissing “Little Moments” of Connection
Red Flag: You wait for big family holidays or fancy outings to “bond,” overlooking daily opportunities—like bedtime chats or cooking dinner together.
Ask Yourself: Do I realise the real memories are in the everyday moments?
Try This: Make an ordinary Tuesday feel special. Sit down, ask about their day, listen—really listen—and laugh at their silly jokes.
48. Being Overly Critical
Red Flag: You pick at every flaw—messy handwriting, slow eating, crooked tie—while rarely offering praise.
Ask Yourself: Does my child think I’m impossible to please?
Try This: Catch them doing something right and shout it from the rooftops: “I really love how you…” or “I noticed you worked so carefully on…”
49. Assuming They’ll Learn Respect by Being Fearful
Red Flag: You rely on intimidation—stern looks, shouting, threats—to keep them in line.
Ask Yourself: Is my child behaving to avoid punishment, or because they understand right and wrong?
Try This: Foster mutual respect. Set clear, consistent boundaries, and talk through the reasons behind them.
50. Forgetting Play and Fun
Red Flag: All your interactions become about correcting, disciplining, or focusing on achievements. Joy fades into the background.
Ask Yourself: When was the last time we just had a good laugh together?
Try This: Schedule regular “fun time” that doesn’t involve chores or lessons. Whether it’s a silly board game, a pillow fight, or a shared hobby, let loose and play.
Where to Go From Here
No dad gets it right 24/7. Remember, fatherhood is a dynamic process—every day you’re learning, evolving, and growing alongside your kids. So, if a handful (or more) of these red flags struck a nerve, celebrate the fact that you’ve noticed. Awareness is the gateway to transformation.
Ready to Dig Deeper?
Comment Below: Which red flags resonate with you the most? Have you had a personal “aha” moment in your parenting journey?
Join Our Community: If you’re looking for more support, consider subscribing to my Be A Super Dad Substack.
You’ll receive weekly tips, and be able to participate in the chat with other dads just like you.
Share Your Wins: Fatherhood can be tough—and it’s also beautiful. Drop a comment, shoot me a DM, with a moment you’re proud of. Let’s cheer each other on!
Ready for Real Change? Book a Coaching Session
If these red flags have brought up questions or concerns and you’d like personalised guidance, I’m here to help. Click here to learn more about my 1:1 Coaching for Dads. We’ll dig into your unique challenges, break unhealthy cycles, and craft a plan that fosters stronger connections at home. You don’t have to do this alone—together, let’s build the family legacy you want.
A Final Thought
It’s never too late to rewrite your story as a dad. Whether your child is a toddler, a teenager, or even an adult, small shifts in how you show up can create profound changes in your relationship. Let’s keep growing, learning, and showing up—together.
Your Turn to Reflect:
Which single red flag do you feel most ready to tackle? What’s one easy step you can take today?
How might improvements in your parenting ripple into other areas of your life—like your relationship with your partner, your job satisfaction, or your own mental health?
Think of someone who needs these insights—another dad, a friend, a brother. Could sharing this post make a positive difference in their life?
If these reflections spark new ideas or questions, I’d love to hear them. Feel free to add your thoughts in the comment section, reply to the newsletter, or get in touch directly through my coaching link. Let’s keep this conversation alive, one dad at a time.
Remember: You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be present, willing, and open to growth. You’ve got this, Dad. Now go out there and make every moment count!
P.S. If you found value in this, please hit the share button or forward it to a friend who might appreciate it. Let’s spread the love—and the lessons—on what it truly means to be a Super Dad!
P.P.S. Shout out to Dan Quinlan for this blog and the inspiration.
Pretty sure you just wrote a great ebook. Excellent post encouraging reflection in all of us. Zero chance we don’t have at least one (more like 10) or more opportunities on your comprehensive list
Great analysis!