Is Smacking Really Necessary? The Shocking Truth Every Parent Needs to Know
Uncover the Hidden Costs of Smacking and Discover Positive Ways to Build Lasting Trust in Your Family.
Imagine for a moment that your child has just broken your favourite mug. You feel anger bubbling inside—your first impulse might be to shout or even smack. But before you do, consider this: what message are you really sending about love, respect, and trust in your relationship with your child? That single pause could change everything.
Below, we’ll explore why smacking is more than “just a tap,” how it impacts children emotionally, and what to do instead. If you’re a dad who wants to raise happy, resilient kids without fear-based methods, keep reading. We’ll tackle the tough questions, share real-world insights, and offer practical alternatives.
1. Why the Comparison to Adult Relationships Matters
“Would you punch your partner if they made a mistake?”
Of course not. In adult relationships, any form of physical aggression is typically seen as unacceptable because it destroys trust and makes love feel unsafe. Yet when it comes to children, many of us still justify a light smack or a slap as discipline.
But if a partner hitting you just once would raise serious red flags, why would a parent physically punish a child—someone smaller, more vulnerable, and wholly dependent on them? Children may not distinguish between “big violence” and “small violence.” All they really feel is hurt, fear, and the overwhelming sense that their protector is willing to inflict pain to control their behaviour.
2. Understanding the Lasting Emotional Impact on Children
A child who’s been smacked can internalise several damaging beliefs:
Fear Is Normal: They learn that anger or frustration from a parent might lead to physical harm.
Love Comes with Pain: When someone who loves them can also hurt them, it sends confusing signals about the nature of love and trust.
Hide Your Mistakes: Children become more focused on avoiding punishment than learning responsibility. They might lie or become secretive because they fear how mum or dad might react.
Extensive research from child-focused organisations backs this up. In fact, the Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health (RCPCH) responded to new data from the NSPCC on corporal punishment, highlighting how physical discipline can have harmful effects on children’s mental health and overall well-being. This corroborates decades of child development studies showing increased aggression, anxiety, and damaged trust in children who experience physical punishment.
(For more details, see: RCPCH responds to NSPCC’s corporal punishment data and the NSPCC’s perspective on Equal protection from assault, not a smacking ban.)
3. “I Was Smacked, and I Turned Out Fine—Or Did I?”
Many of us grew up being smacked and feel we’ve come out relatively unscathed. But it’s worth asking: if smacking truly had no negative consequences, why do so many people harbour resentment, fear, or trust issues—or find themselves quick to anger in their own relationships?
Did You Learn Self-Control or Just Avoidance? Perhaps you became better at not getting caught rather than understanding why your behaviour was wrong.
Did You Believe You Deserved It? Some of us internalised the idea that we “had it coming.” No child deserves to be hit—ever.
Do You Struggle with Emotional Expression? Being punished for showing sadness, anger, or weakness can carry into adulthood, making it hard to be open and vulnerable with others.
4. Examining the Excuses: Are We Justifying Harm?
If you smack your child, do you ever find yourself thinking:
“They need to learn.” → But what are they really learning—empathy or fear?
“I don’t hit hard.” → If an adult slapped you ‘lightly,’ would that make it okay?
“It’s for their own good.” → Would it still be ‘good’ if someone else did it to your child?
Sometimes we tell ourselves these things to make it easier to cope with the guilt or discomfort. But in truth, smacking doesn’t instil the positive lessons we want our children to absorb.
5. Shouting, Threats, and Silent Treatment: The Other Side of Abuse
Even if you never raise a hand, fear-based methods can still harm a child’s sense of security. Standing over them, towering in anger, or using belittling words can be just as damaging as a slap. The emotional scars run deep:
Children Fear Reactions Instead of Understanding Their Mistakes
They Learn to Walk on Eggshells
They Don’t Confide in Parents Because They Anticipate Anger or Judgement
None of these outcomes foster open communication or genuine respect.
6. Progress Around the World: Smacking Bans and What They Teach Us
Countries like Wales, Scotland, Sweden, Germany, and New Zealand have banned smacking. Why? Decades of evidence indicate that physical punishment:
Damages trust between parent and child
Increases aggression and anxiety
Doesn’t improve long-term behaviour
Teaches violence as a way to handle conflict
In Sweden, for instance, smacking was banned in 1979. Critics warned of a generation of unruly, disrespectful children. That prediction never materialised. In fact, research suggests Swedish youth became less violent. Clearly, banning smacking didn’t soften their moral fibre—it protected it.
The NSPCC frames these bans not as being “soft” on discipline, but as offering children equal protection from assault—recognising that their bodies and emotions deserve the same respect and safety we demand for adults.
7. Practical Alternatives to Fear-Based Discipline
7.1 Time-Ins Over Time-Outs
Instead of sending your child away, invite them to sit with you in a calmer space. Discuss what went wrong and how they feel. This approach builds connection rather than isolation.
7.2 Realistic Consequences
Consequences should relate directly to the behaviour. If they spill a drink, involve them in cleaning it up. If they speak hurtfully, ask them to apologise and offer a kind gesture instead. This helps them learn responsibility without shame.
7.3 Emotional Self-Regulation for Parents
Take a breath, count to ten, or briefly leave the room to cool down (if safe to do so). Children learn emotional control by observing how we manage our own frustrations.
7.4 Model the Behaviour You Want
Demonstrate respect, patience, and empathy. Children mimic what they see far more than what they’re told.
7.5 One-on-One Conversations
After everyone has calmed down, talk privately. Ask open-ended questions that encourage reflection rather than shame. This fosters a deeper understanding of right and wrong beyond just “not getting caught.”
8. Final Reflection: The Legacy You Leave
Ultimately, the question isn’t just about whether smacking is necessary—it’s about the kind of relationship you want to have with your children. Do you want them to avoid you in moments of trouble, or trust you enough to come to you for help and guidance? Do you want their respect to stem from admiration, or from fear of your reactions?
Breaking the cycle of physical or fear-based discipline is challenging, especially if it was normal in your own upbringing. Yet every time you choose a calmer approach, every moment you prioritise connection and understanding, you’re reshaping not just your immediate family dynamic, but potentially the emotional legacy passed down through generations.
Ready to Take This Further?
If you’re a dad looking to strengthen your relationship with your children—without resorting to smacking—I’m here to help. I offer personalised one-on-one coaching tailored to dads who want to create loving, respectful homes. Together, we’ll explore practical strategies, self-reflection techniques, and ways to break old cycles so that you and your children can thrive.
Join the Conversation
What was your biggest takeaway from this article?
Have you noticed any long-term effects of fear-based discipline in your own life or your children’s behaviour?
What’s one step you can take this week to react more calmly when your child does something frustrating?
Share your thoughts in the comments. Your experiences and insights could spark a meaningful dialogue and help other dads who feel stuck or uncertain about the best path forward.
A Final Thought
How do you think our early experiences with discipline shape the way we handle disagreements in other areas of our lives—like workplaces, friendships, or even personal struggles? Are there parallels between building trust at home and cultivating healthier relationships beyond our front doors?
Exploring these connections can reveal how deeply rooted our childhood learnings are—and how much power we have to change them for the better. If this resonates with you, consider reaching out or subscribing to my Substack for more tips on positive parenting and relationship-building.
Remember: It’s never too late to rewrite the story of how we relate to those we love. If you’re ready to turn the page, I’d love to be part of your journey.
Translating anything and everything we do or don’t do to other relationships, particularly in adulthood, is a great lens to consider in parenthood. If you wouldn’t do it to your significant other, particularly when it comes to physical intervention, why would you do it with a child.
Behavior correction through physical intervention and fear is easier and feels effective in the short term but it doesn’t teach anything other than maladaptive skills in the long term. Great post
'Time-Ins Over Time-Outs' 👍