Why Circle of Security Could Be the Game-Changer for Your Parenting Journey
Have you ever worried you’re missing a crucial piece of the parenting puzzle? Perhaps you’ve felt uncertain about whether you’re truly meeting your child’s emotional needs, or anxious about repeating the unhelpful patterns you grew up with. After 25 years of working with children and families—managing children’s homes, offering trauma-informed support, and guiding countless dads through every challenge under the sun—I discovered an approach that felt like it neatly tied all my values and insights together. That approach is the Circle of Security (COS), and it might be the single most transformative tool you’ll encounter on your parenting journey.
Finding the Missing Puzzle Piece
Throughout my career, I had learned a great deal about child development: how children form attachments, the importance of boundaries, the need for emotional safety, and why secure relationships set the stage for a happy future. But despite my extensive training, I always sensed something was incomplete—until I found Circle of Security.
When I trained as a COS facilitator, it felt as though I’d finally discovered the unifying framework I’d been seeking. COS didn’t just validate all my past experiences working in children’s homes or my trauma-informed background—it illuminated them. It provided a straightforward map that explained how children naturally explore their world, then return for comfort and security when they need to refuel emotionally. It took everything I knew in theory—like the importance of being consistent, empathetic, and firm yet compassionate—and packaged it in a way that felt highly accessible.
If you’ve ever tried to piece together parenting advice from different places—reading books, attending workshops, browsing forums—and ended up feeling more confused than confident, you’re not alone. That’s how I used to feel. The brilliance of COS lies in its clarity: it shows us that children thrive when they can both venture out to explore and return to a parent who is bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind. Just like a well-drawn map, it reminds you exactly where you stand, where your child needs to go, and when to offer a hand (or a hug) along the way.
The Metaphor of the Missing Map
I often compare parenting without a framework to wandering around the park with an out-of-date or incomplete map. You might recognise a few landmarks—like how to respond to a tantrum or when to enforce bedtime—but you’re not entirely sure where the paths lead or how the different areas connect. COS is like being handed a fresh, accurate map: you can see the bigger picture, understand the child’s emotional journey, and navigate the twists and turns with greater confidence.
In my COS sessions, many dads tell me they grew up feeling like nobody had drawn them a proper map for parenting. Their parents were either too busy, too strict, or too emotionally distant. Now, as parents themselves, they’re anxious to avoid repeating those same mistakes. Circle of Security provides that missing guide, allowing them to break generational cycles and raise children who feel safe, loved, and free to grow.
Two Courses That Changed My Life
In my own personal development, two courses stood out as truly life-changing:
Rebel Finance School, which showed me how to take control of my finances and make money serve my goals, rather than the other way around. (I’ll write about this again)
Circle of Security, which revolutionised my approach to parenthood by helping me connect with my children on a deeper emotional level.
Though these courses seem unrelated, they share a crucial theme: empowerment. By empowering ourselves—be it financially or emotionally—we create the stability needed to invest in what really matters. For me, that included fostering loving, secure relationships at home.
A Dad’s Lightbulb Moment: “My Baby Doesn’t Like Me!”
One of my most memorable COS sessions involved a new father who was convinced his baby didn’t like him. Each time his baby looked away or seemed distracted, the dad felt a pang of rejection. Imagine carrying that belief around—that your own child might not even want to bond with you.
During our sessions, we unpacked how babies frequently turn their gaze away when they’re overstimulated or simply exploring the environment. Rather than “rejecting” him, his baby was self-regulating and learning about the world! Seeing this through the Circle of Security lens caused the father’s entire perspective to change. He realised that his child’s brief glances away were not an emotional snub but a natural, healthy part of development. Suddenly, instead of taking it personally, he felt proud of his baby’s curiosity and confident that he was a “safe base” for his child to return to. It was a profound lesson in understanding rather than assuming.
Bigger, Stronger, Wiser, and Kind
One of the COS’s most influential ideas is that parents must strive to be “bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind.” Each word holds a huge amount of significance:
Bigger and Stronger: You’re the adult, responsible for setting boundaries and ensuring safety. Children need to know they can rely on you to protect them.
Wiser: Your life experience and knowledge can guide them, even when they’re testing boundaries or feeling uncertain.
Kind: You can do all the above with warmth, empathy, and genuine respect for your child’s feelings.
Too often, boundaries are treated as the opposite of kindness—but COS shows us they can coexist. We can step in and say, “Enough,” when our child’s behaviour is out of line, and still validate the emotions they’re experiencing. It’s a delicate balance, but when we achieve it, children learn they can trust us to hold them safe without shame or fear.
The Power of Rupture and Repair
Every parent has moments when they “rupture” the connection with their child—maybe we snap at them because we’re stressed, or overlook their feelings in the midst of a busy day. COS highlights that the real power lies in how we repair that rupture. Children don’t need perfect parents; they benefit immensely from parents who can recognise mistakes, apologise, and reaffirm their love. This is how children learn resilience: they see first-hand that relationships can mend, and that disagreements or missteps aren’t the end of trust.
Understanding rupture and repair is particularly meaningful if you grew up in an environment where apologies were rare or conflicts went unresolved. COS encourages us to be the cycle-breakers—to step forward and model the healthy resolution we might not have experienced ourselves.
Breaking Generational Cycles
Many dads I’ve worked with feel haunted by the idea that they’re destined to repeat the same patterns their own parents used—patterns that may have left them feeling unheard or unvalued. A father might recall how he was scolded for crying or told to “toughen up” whenever he showed fear. Another might remember being constantly told to “be careful!” in situations that weren’t truly risky. Over time, these messages can stifle a child’s natural inclination to explore and express emotions freely.
Circle of Security shines a light on these hidden influences. By reflecting on how our own parents coped with (or suppressed) anger, sadness, fear, or joy, we can see how these modes of relating trickle down to our children. If you get uneasy when your little one is upset or angry, it may be because you were never allowed to express those feelings growing up. COS gives us the tools to face these cycles, name them, and move forward differently—for our own well-being and for our children’s.
A Trauma-Informed View: The Still Face Experiment
In my years managing children’s homes, I worked with many children who had experienced trauma, neglect, or inconsistent caregiving. One particularly enlightening study is the Still Face Experiment, where a parent momentarily goes blank and stops responding to their baby. The baby’s distress is immediate, illustrating just how essential attuned and responsive interactions are for a child’s sense of security.
Circle of Security resonates with this concept. It stresses that physical presence alone isn’t enough—your emotional presence matters greatly, too. Every smile, frown, or soothing word reassures your child they’re seen and valued. This sort of emotional attunement is the foundation upon which secure attachments are built, and it’s exactly what COS helps parents maintain, even in the chaos of daily life.
From “Be Careful!” to Conscious Exploration
It’s natural to want to protect our children, but some of our reflexive warnings can inadvertently hamper their growth. If you find yourself repeatedly shouting, “Be careful!” whenever your child climbs a bit higher or tries a new sport, you might be transferring your own anxieties onto them. COS encourages you to pause and ask: “Is my child actually in danger, or am I just uncomfortable watching them take risks?”
When a situation is genuinely unsafe, by all means, step in. But if your child is simply challenging themselves in a reasonably controlled environment, you could say, “I’m right here if you need me.” This empowers them to explore and test their abilities, trusting that you’ll catch them if they truly need help. The result is a child who learns confidence and self-reliance, rather than internalising fear or self-doubt.
Why COS Matters (and How It Could Help You)
You want to parent differently: If you grew up feeling emotionally neglected or stifled, you might be unsure how to forge a healthier path. COS offers a structured, compassionate guide.
You’re after a clear framework: Parenting advice can feel scattered, but the “circle” metaphor is wonderfully intuitive—it helps you respond fluidly to your child’s varying emotional and developmental needs.
You care about emotional intelligence: If nurturing your child’s emotional world is a priority, COS provides practical steps to help them name, manage, and express feelings safely.
You’re stuck in old habits: Whether you’re overusing “Be careful!” or losing patience in emotional moments, COS sheds light on why these habits might be there—and how to shift them.
You need reassurance: COS normalises imperfection, focusing on connection rather than constantly striving for an unattainable ideal of “perfect parenting.”
Ready to Transform Your Parenting? Let’s Chat.
At its core, Circle of Security isn’t just another bit of parenting advice—it’s a holistic lens for viewing your relationship with your child. If you sense you’re missing that all-important piece, or if you’re determined to overcome the limitations imposed by your own upbringing, COS could be precisely the catalyst you need.
I offer Circle of Security training for parents who want to:
Break old patterns from their childhood.
Develop a more conscious, empathetic approach to setting boundaries.
Foster a healthier emotional environment at home.
Whether you’re simply curious about COS or ready to dive head-first into a structured training programme, I’d love to speak with you. Let’s work together to establish a home where children are free to explore and return, secure in the knowledge that they’re truly seen and loved.
Click here to get in touch, or drop me a message about your interest in COS. We’ll discuss your specific concerns, explore how this framework can help, and create a plan tailored to your family’s unique dynamic. It’s time to harness the game-changing power of Circle of Security in your own life—because sometimes, the missing piece really does make all the difference.
Questions to Reflect On
How did your parents respond to your big emotions when you were a child?
Can you see any echoes of their approach in your own parenting?In what ways might your comfort or discomfort with certain emotions affect your responses to your child’s behaviour?
Are you inadvertently dismissing or overreacting to their emotional needs?What would a balanced approach to boundaries and exploration look like for your family?
Consider how COS principles (being bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind) could transform your day-to-day interactions.
Remember: real, lasting change starts with awareness. The more conscious you become about your own emotional patterns and your child’s developmental needs, the stronger your connection will grow. Let’s embark on this transformative journey together—your children, and their future, are worth it.