When Your Child Grows Up: Why Reflecting on Fatherhood Changes Everything
One day, your child will tell a story about the dad you were. What do you hope they’ll say?
Introduction: The Stories We Leave Behind
Picture a father standing in the doorframe of his teenager’s bedroom after they’ve left for university or a new job. The once-lively room, scattered with reminders of childhood—teddy bears, scribbled drawings, mismatched socks—now feels hollow and still. He picks up a well-worn storybook from the bedside table, remembering countless nights spent reading together. In that instant, he realises that so much of their shared time has passed. The question that hits him isn’t merely, Was I a good dad? but rather What kind of dad was I?
What will your children remember about you? Will it be the sound of your laughter when they told you a silly joke, the warm hugs you gave freely, or the way you snapped at them when work stress took over?
Those moments accumulate into the story that they will carry into adulthood. That’s why fatherhood isn’t just about turning up; it’s about turning up intentionally. And the key to intentional parenting is reflection.
Why Most Dads Don’t Stop to Reflect
When you’re juggling a career, household chores, relationship stress, and ferrying your kids around, it’s easy to switch into autopilot. You get stuck in the grind: waking up, sorting breakfast, dashing off to work, tidying up, collapsing in front of the TV late at night—only to repeat it all tomorrow. With so many boxes to tick, who has the energy to reflect?
Our own childhood influences also come into play. Many men grew up in households that rewarded self-reliance over introspection. We might have been taught, either explicitly or implicitly, to “get on with it.” As adults, that can translate to doing what comes naturally—often repeating the patterns and habits we absorbed from our own dads or father figures.
However, pattern-repeating can be both friend and foe. If you had a great father figure who nurtured you kindly, brilliant—you have a strong model to draw on. But if your childhood was rocky, or you felt emotionally distant from your dad, you might end up unconsciously repeating patterns that hurt you as a child. That’s where pausing to reflect becomes essential: you can spot those unhelpful ways of reacting and replace them with healthier approaches.
The Power of Self-Awareness in Parenting
Reflection isn’t about blaming yourself or your upbringing—it’s about growth. It’s about recognising what shaped you, both good and bad, and then deciding how you want to show up as a dad.
You can’t change what you don’t notice. If you don’t pause to think about why you lose patience or struggle to connect emotionally, you’ll never know how to shift it.
Kids don’t need perfect dads. Perfection is an illusion. Kids do, however, need dads who are learning, growing, and showing up consistently.
Your actions speak louder than words. Children observe us far more keenly than we realise. If we want them to be compassionate, patient, and resilient, we need to model those qualities in our day-to-day lives.
Self-awareness becomes the lens through which you see your parenting. Think of it as an internal compass that gently nudges you back on track whenever you drift into old habits. Help another Dad out by sharing this with them.
Why We Shouldn’t Blame Our Parents (Or Ourselves)
It’s natural to look at our own upbringing and feel a surge of frustration or sadness. Maybe your dad never told you he loved you, or your parents argued a lot. Perhaps they were emotionally distant or critical. But here’s the thing: they were doing the best they could with what they knew at the time. Understanding this doesn’t mean excusing harmful behaviours; it simply acknowledges that people are complex, shaped by their own generations and traumas.
Similarly, there’s little to gain from self-blame. Guilt can motivate change, but only up to a point. Prolonged guilt or self-criticism can become paralysing, stopping you from making genuine progress. And if you’re reading this blog, it’s a good bet that you care enough to improve your relationship with your children. That in itself is a powerful step forward.
The reality is that we—today’s dads—are the ones who need to change. For years, I’ve been working with fathers from all walks of life, and I see the light-bulb moment time and time again. Suddenly, a dad recognises, Wait, maybe it’s not my child who needs a complete overhaul. Maybe I’m the one who needs to shift my perspective. It’s an empowering realisation, because once you see that you hold the key, you can open all sorts of doors for deeper connection, warmth, and understanding.
The Light-Bulb Moment: Becoming Aware That We Need to Change
Children Are Reflective Surfaces: Your kids are mirrors, reflecting your own emotions and behaviours right back at you. If you snap quickly, they learn to be short-tempered. If you withdraw, they might become anxious or mirror that withdrawal. Recognising that you set the tone can be a tough pill to swallow, but it’s also liberating—you have a direct impact on the climate of your home.
Set the Emotional Temperature: Think of yourself as the thermostat, not the thermometer. You don’t just read the emotional temperature; you set it. If you’re calm and collected, your children are more likely to feel safe and to mirror that calmness.
Mindset Shift: When you shift from “I need to fix my child” to “I need to grow myself,” everything else becomes easier. Your patience grows, your empathy expands, and your child senses a shift in how you connect with them.
Growth requires humility. Holding onto outdated beliefs just for the sake of consistency can keep us stuck. Admitting we've learned something new isn’t weakness—it’s wisdom.
How to Take the Reflective Journey: Practical Steps
1. Stop and Breathe Before Reacting
When your child is defiant, throwing a tantrum, or simply pushing your buttons, take a single, deliberate breath before you respond. In that brief pause, you can ask yourself, Am I reacting this way because of them, or because of my own baggage?
2. Daily Journaling
Keep a small notebook by your bed—or use an app on your phone—and jot down one parenting moment that stood out to you each day. Maybe it’s a moment you’re proud of (“I stayed calm when my toddler threw a tantrum.”). Or perhaps it’s one you wish you could do over (“I snapped because I was tired.”). These simple reflections create a track record of growth.
3. Seek Input from Your Children
Ask them simple but revealing questions:
“What’s your favourite thing we do together?”
“Is there anything I do that makes you feel upset or worried?”
Their perspective can feel confronting if they point out something you hadn’t noticed. But those insights are gold—an authentic reflection of how your parenting lands with them.
4. Talk to Other Dads
Whether you join a local dads’ group, share stories over a pint with a mate, or connect online, hearing from other dads reminds you that you’re not alone in your struggles. It’s amazing how normal it is to feel overwhelmed, unsure, or even frightened about certain parenting challenges. Community gives you perspective and support.
5. Take Stock of Your Childhood
Write down a short “parenting timeline” of your own upbringing. Identify key moments—both positive and negative—that shaped how you see fatherhood. By bringing them into the light, you can see how they might be influencing your current behaviour.
Challenge for Dads: Crafting Your Future Dad Legacy
Imagine your child in their late twenties, describing you to someone else. What three qualities do you most hope they highlight? Perhaps it’s your sense of humour, your empathy, your unwavering support. Write those down. Then consider:
What am I already doing that supports these qualities?
What’s one small action I can take this week to move closer to the dad I want to be?
Remember, legacy isn’t built in one grand gesture. It’s formed from those daily, ordinary interactions—reading stories, cooking dinner, spontaneous embraces, and honest conversations.
Why Reflection Brings Joy (Not Just Accountability)
Reflection isn’t just about spotting what went wrong or dredging up regrets. It also helps you notice what’s going right. So often, in the hustle of daily life, we overlook those tiny but meaningful wins—like making your kid giggle uncontrollably during bath time, or spending an extra 10 minutes playing with them even though the washing-up was waiting.
These small, positive interactions are the building blocks of a loving, long-lasting bond. When you reflect, you bring awareness to the bright moments as well as the cloudy ones. And that awareness boosts your confidence and reinforces the behaviour you want to keep repeating.
Closing Reflection: The Dad Your Child Will Remember
Ultimately, your child’s long-term memories of you won’t hinge on perfection. They will remember how you tried, how you apologised when you got it wrong, and how you made them feel important. They’ll remember the nights you tucked them in, the silly dance moves you busted out in the kitchen, the gentle words you offered when they were sad or scared.
Fatherhood is as much a journey inward as it is a job of guidance. By dedicating time to look at yourself—your reactions, your beliefs, your history—you become more equipped to offer a nurturing, stable, and loving environment for your children. And in time, this intentional approach can transform not only your family relationships but the stories your children will one day share about you.
So ask yourself: What kind of story do I want them to tell? Chances are, that question alone will guide you towards the reflective mindset that every child deserves from their dad.
Further Reflection: Building Bridges to Other Areas
As you deepen your self-awareness in fatherhood, you might notice it affects other parts of your life. Reflective parenting can:
Improve your communication with your partner.
Help you spot emotional triggers in workplace relationships.
Encourage you to practise better self-care, modelling healthy stress management.
Show your children that lifelong growth and learning are normal and admirable.
By connecting the dots between fatherhood and these other arenas of your life, you’ll find that embracing reflection doesn’t just help you become a better dad—it helps you become a more empathetic, engaged human being.
Thought-Provoking Questions to Consider
What childhood experience most shaped your view of what a “good dad” should be?
How can revisiting that memory guide you toward (or away from) certain behaviours?
In which areas of your life do you notice yourself going into autopilot?
How might bringing mindful attention to these areas change your approach to fatherhood?
What parallels exist between the way you lead at work (or interact with colleagues) and the way you interact with your children?
Do you notice shared patterns, such as impatience or a desire to control outcomes?
How might focusing on your own emotional well-being (through exercise, therapy, journaling, or hobbies) ripple out to benefit your children and your partner?
Could prioritising even 15 minutes a day for self-care shift your parenting mindset?
Subscribe for More
If this story resonates with you and you’d like to follow my ongoing journey—learning from mistakes, forging deeper connections, and embracing the imperfect reality of fatherhood—subscribe to my blog or email list. That way, you won’t miss any future updates or discussions about fatherhood, including more concrete strategies to connect with your children and cultivate a loving home.
Explore My Dad Coaching
Being a dad coach doesn’t mean I’ve got it all figured out—it means I’m committed to sharing the insights and tools I’ve gathered, both from my professional background and my own parenting struggles. If you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or simply want to enhance your relationship with your children, check out my coaching services. Together, we can tailor solutions that respect your unique family dynamics while helping you become the dad you aspire to be.
Share the Love
I’m loving Substack and its ability to help me connect with more dads. If anything I’ve written has connected with you or helped you to think more deeply about how you can be a great dad, then please give this a share so we can both connect with more like-minded dads. It truly takes a village—so let’s make a village of Super Dads!
Thank you for reading, and Remember: The goal of reflection isn’t to dwell on past mistakes or to throw blame around—it’s to keep growing, step by loving step, into the dad you truly want to be.
On the autopilot question: I have a tendency to quickly fall into a “head-down, get it done” style of work. I've noticed that sometimes appears during the day and unless I catch myself the kids get left behind while I'm speeding around.
The 'questions' at the end are a great entry point to introspection.