“Better to Be Abused Than Ignored?”: Why Feeling Invisible Can Wound a Child Most
It’s amazing the things you learn from your parents. My dad had a few sayings that I know I’ve picked up on and used in my own everyday life. Some of them have formed the foundations of my value system—for better or worse.
One particular saying was, “It’s better to be abused than ignored.” I didn’t think much about it at the time. My dad used it in the context of banter—friendly mickey-taking between mates, where everyone has a laugh together. Because that’s how I always heard it used, I adopted the phrase without really understanding its bigger implications.
Not long after, I went for a two-day interview to work in a residential children’s home (or group home, if you’re across the Atlantic). The man leading the sessions was charismatic, and the couple of days were packed with activities—both formal and informal. We even went to the pub on the first night, which made it quite intense and fun all at once. We were all quickly getting to know each other. At one point, he said something cheeky to me—some playful teasing—and my immediate response was to whip out my dad’s line: “It’s better to be abused than ignored!”
I cringe when I look back on that moment—it really wasn’t the right thing to say, particularly when I look at the experiences of the children that I would go on to work with. At 23, I didn’t grasp how off it sounded, yet I also feel empathy for my younger self. I was on the brink of a new career path, and while I’d grown up without experiencing any major trauma, I was about to learn how much other children’s lives could differ from my own.
For a long time, I never paused to unpack my dad’s phrase. It took me understanding attachment theory to really get how damaging those words could be and how much the idea of “being ignored” can hurt. Because, while most of us recognise abuse is obviously terrible, we often don’t think about the equally profound impact of being ignored. If no one responds to you, what does that say about your worth in their eyes?
Landing the Job—and Opening My Eyes
I did get the job and stayed for 12 years in different roles. I grew a lot personally and professionally during that time. My own upbringing had been stable and loving, and I hadn’t realised how lucky I was until I started reading the case histories of the kids I worked with.
In the early days, though, I was still caught up in that mentality of focusing on the visible behaviours; that was the culture. If the kids did something we didn’t like, we imposed a sanction, wrote it up in the log, and moved on. We dealt with what we could see on the surface. That’s how we’d been trained. But then, two new managers from South Wales came in—both social workers—and they challenged the way we thought. They encouraged us to look beyond the behaviour, to ask why a child might act out instead of just punishing them for it. It was a slow shift, but eventually, it became the default approach.
The Still Face Experiment
What does all this have to do with our own kids? Quite a lot, actually. There’s a famous study called the Still Face Experiment by Ed Tronick. You can find videos showing a dad playing with his baby—lots of back-and-forth interaction, almost like a tennis match. This “serve and return” is filled with eye contact, playfulness, and connection. Then, all of a sudden, the father stops reacting. He uses a “still face” and becomes unresponsive.
The baby quickly becomes distressed, trying everything to re-establish that connection—smiling, cooing, making noises, even escalating to banging on the high chair. When all these usual ways of getting dad’s attention fail, the baby becomes overwhelmed, frustrated, and deeply upset. That’s what happens when you’re ignored, even briefly.
Now, imagine that scenario repeating hundreds or thousands of times in a child’s life. They learn their usual, socially acceptable ways of seeking attention—like calling out, smiling, or simply saying, “Dad, will you play with me?”—don’t work. So they escalate to what does work: tantrums, shouting, or hitting, because at least that gets some kind of response. And that’s how “It’s better to be abused than ignored” starts to unravel. If a child is consistently ignored, that in itself becomes a form of abuse, because being unseen and unheard is deeply wounding.
Fast-Forward to Modern Parenting
Tronick’s research dates back to 1978, long before mobile phones were common. Yet today, our phones are a massive source of distraction. Notifications buzz and ping, demanding our attention. Ironically, our kids are doing exactly the same thing: “Daddy, look at me! Play with me! Look what I’ve made!” But sometimes, we’re so engrossed in our phones (or our work, or our stress) that we don’t notice—or we respond with a quick, “Just a minute,” which never really comes.
Now, none of us are perfect. We all have moments when we switch off or mentally clock out. But let’s be honest: if your child tries to connect with you and consistently doesn’t get a reaction, they’ll find other ways—often disruptive ones—to ensure you can’t ignore them.
Early research into the Still Face phenomenon focused on parents with depression, drug or alcohol issues, or those preoccupied with new relationships. In each case, the parent’s attention was so consumed by something else that the child’s emotional signals were missed. If you grew up with a parent who battled any of these challenges, you might still feel the after-effects in your own relationships—like a sense that the people you love may not really be there for you.
A Memory That Changed My Perspective
I once had a friend who started dating someone new. She had a baby and a toddler whom she described as “good” because they never cried. That made me wonder how many times these little ones might have cried in the past—and realised no one was coming—until they finally gave up. Years later, these children face all sorts of difficulties, like run-ins with the police and early pregnancy. From my perspective, it’s no surprise their unmet emotional needs led them to search for connection in ways society frowns upon.
When I think of those kids, it reminds me how a child’s “cry” isn’t always literal—it can be any behaviour that’s really a call for connection. And it breaks my heart to imagine the times a child just stops crying out because it’s fruitless. That is the kind of impact “being ignored” can have on a developing human being.
An Invitation to Dads
If anything here strikes a chord—maybe you notice moments when you tune out, or you see your child go from calm to frantic in a heartbeat—I’d love to chat with you. I run a Circle of Security (COS) programme that includes a section on the Still Face Experiment. It’s designed to help dads understand children’s emotional needs more deeply—and also look at how our own childhoods shape the way we respond to our kids.
You can book a free Dad-to-Dad call with me here:
It’ll be a relaxed, friendly conversation—no judgement—where we explore how you can foster stronger, more secure relationships. Parenting isn’t about never making mistakes; it’s about learning to repair the inevitable slip-ups.
Investing in yourself as a dad can feel daunting, but it might be one of the most rewarding decisions you ever make. Are you open to exploring how your past could be influencing the way you connect with your child right now?
Wrapping Up
When I look back at my younger self blurting out, “It’s better to be abused than ignored,” I see someone who genuinely didn’t grasp the full meaning behind those words. But I’m grateful for those cringe-worthy moments because they led me to learn and grow. The reality is that being ignored, over and over, can be more devastating than any outright conflict—it sends a message that you don’t matter enough to warrant attention.
I hope that, by sharing these stories, I can encourage you to look up, tune in, and really see your child and your own childhood—even if it’s just for a few precious minutes amidst life’s chaos. None of us can be 100% attentive all the time, but small shifts can make a world of difference for both you and your kids. And if you want more guidance—or just a sounding board—I’m here. You’re not alone on this journey.
Keep Reflecting
Have you ever felt like the baby in the Still Face Experiment—trying everything just to get a response?
Were there moments in your own childhood where you acted out in ways that might have been labelled “naughty,” but were really calls for connection?
How often do you notice (or miss) your child’s bids for attention because of phones, work, stress, or other distractions?
In what ways can you prioritise your own mental health or self-care, so you can be more emotionally available for your children?
How many times have you only responded to your child’s behaviour when it reached a boiling point—rather than catching the earlier signs?
What simple changes—like putting your phone down or offering a warm, attentive look—could you make today to strengthen your bond?
Feel free to reach out anytime. Parenting isn’t about perfection; it’s about discovering the profound impact of genuine connection, one moment at a time. We all need a bit of help and reflection along the way, and sometimes just knowing someone else sees and understands can make all the difference.
A Few Extra Questions to Ponder Further
How might your own childhood experiences with attention or neglect shape the way you handle your child’s emotional needs today?
If you were to imagine a still-face scenario in your own home, what typical daily distractions do you think might trigger it (e.g., checking emails, social media, work calls)?
Is there a small ritual—like setting aside 15 minutes of uninterrupted time with your child each day—that could help you stay more connected?
I would love to hear more about what you think of this post.
Thanks for writing this, Gareth. My wife works at a respite center for teens - they face a lot of similar scenarios, and I'm grateful to see that represented here!
Thought provoking. Thank you.
These posts always make me reflect on myself and how I can do better myself as a father.