IDENTITY – WHO ARE YOU AS A DAD?
“Before you can become the dad you want to be, you need to know who you are.”
Read Part One Here.
Introduction: Realising You’re Turning into Your Own Father
Picture the moment: You’re standing in the kitchen, reprimanding your child for leaving the back door open. As the frustration leaves your lips, you hear a note of familiarity. It’s the same tone your own dad used when you forgot to switch off the lights or lock the windows. A quick shiver runs through you: When did I become my father?
That realisation can feel both comforting and alarming—it might bring up memories of love and security, or it might stir up pain and unresolved tension. The key question is: are you parenting out of genuine choice and self-awareness, or simply following an old script handed down from your own upbringing?
If this resonates with you, save it for later or pass it on to another dad who might need these insights.
What Shapes Your Identity as a Dad?
1. Your Upbringing (The Good, The Tough, and The Unspoken)
Our first experiences of “dad” typically come from whoever raised us, whether it was our biological father, a stepdad, or another male figure. Even if that presence was absent, that absence still sends powerful signals about what fatherhood might look like.
Maybe your dad provided stability but rarely said, “I’m proud of you.”
Perhaps he was fun and full of humour but vanished whenever real emotions came up.
Or he could have been a caring, consistent figure who always had your back.
These experiences lodge themselves deep in our subconscious. They form a template that quietly shapes our reactions, assumptions, and sense of what fatherhood “should” be. Recognising these influences is the first step to deciding if you want to keep them or rewrite them.
2. Society’s Expectations vs. Your Reality
We live in a world filled with messages about masculinity: Be tough. Provide. Don’t show weakness. But the world is changing, and so are ideas about fatherhood. You don’t have to be a certain type of dad just because that’s how men were expected to act in the past. Maybe you’re the stay-at-home dad who balances chores and school runs, or the father who’s more comfortable sharing emotions and teaching your children that tears don’t mean weakness.
Finding the courage to define your own fatherhood identity—apart from society’s sometimes rigid expectations—can be hugely freeing. After all, your journey at home should match the reality of your family, not a cookie-cutter notion of what a “real dad” looks like.
3. Your Aspirations for Fatherhood
Deep down, we all carry hopes about the kind of dad we want to be. Perhaps you want to be a stable rock for your children, always available to them emotionally. Or you dream of being a playful, adventurous role model who sparks their curiosity. These wishes give you a blueprint for growth, a positive direction to aim for.
If you’re unsure what those aspirations look like, try noticing the moments when you feel most connected to your kids. What are you doing—playing, cuddling, talking, cooking? Those activities can offer vital clues about the type of dad you naturally are (and want to be more often).
Breaking Free from Autopilot Parenting
Autopilot happens when we stop questioning why we do what we do. We might enforce rules or react to stress the same way our fathers did, even if it left us feeling hurt or misunderstood back then. In many cases, these old habits are so ingrained that we don’t even notice we’re repeating them.
Just because your dad shouted, doesn’t mean you have to. You can learn calmer communication techniques or create a household where frustration is expressed in healthier ways.
Just because your dad was absent, doesn’t mean you will be. You can consciously choose to show up, even if it means juggling your schedule or occasionally missing out on social events.
Recognising that you aren’t bound by someone else’s parenting style is a liberating moment. Once you spot the patterns, you can start to make conscious decisions about how you’d like to handle discipline, affection, support, and all the other areas of daily fatherhood.
If this spark of awareness feels important to you, share it with another dad. You never know who might be stuck on autopilot, waiting for a nudge to do things differently.
Reflection Exercise: Discovering Your Dad Identity
Grab a pen and paper (or open a note on your phone), and set aside a few quiet minutes—after the kids are in bed, on your lunch break, or whenever you can manage a breather.
Three Words About Your Current Dad Identity
Think about how you currently show up: Are you patient? Stretched thin? Encouraging? Critical? Strict? Distracted? Angry? Absent? Jot down three words that capture the essence of who you are right now. Don’t shy away from being honest; this is for your eyes only.Three Words About the Dad You Want to Be
Next, imagine you at your absolute best. What words would describe that ideal? “Engaged,” “available,” “fun,” “loving,” “present” “consistent”—there’s no wrong answer. This second list represents the possibility you’re aiming for.Identify One Action
Compare your two lists. What’s one practical thing you could do this week to move towards your aspirational identity? Maybe it’s switching off your phone for 30 minutes each evening so you can truly connect with your child. Perhaps it’s planning a simple weekend outing that’s all about fun and laughter. Small steps are the building blocks of real change.
Reflecting on your identity is more than a one-off exercise—it’s the start of an ongoing journey.
A Quick Word from Research
Family researcher and author Dr. Bruce Feiler has pointed out that children thrive when they understand the broader narrative of their family—the highs, the lows, the resilience. Knowing your own story, including the fatherhood influences you bring to the table, can help you communicate a sense of stability and continuity to your kids. Meanwhile, Dr. Brené Brown reminds us that vulnerability can be a strength: when we’re brave enough to examine who we are as dads, we model courage and honesty for our children.
These insights align with what many parenting experts have found: when dads take time to reflect on their identity, they’re more likely to parent with consistency, warmth, and purpose.
The Power of Identity: Turning Intentions into Reality
When you clarify who you are—and more importantly, who you want to become—you create a roadmap for everything else:
Your tone of voice when the kids are bickering in the back seat.
Your willingness to apologise (and model humility) when you lose your temper.
Your approach to discipline, whether you lean into teaching moments or simply hand down consequences.
A strong sense of identity also helps you handle the unexpected. Instead of reacting in the heat of the moment, you can remind yourself: I’m choosing to be an empathetic dad, and then respond accordingly. This isn’t about perfection—no dad is perfect—but about having an internal compass that guides you back on course when life gets chaotic.
Real-Life Example: Alex’s Journey
Alex grew up with a father who rarely gave praise. Determined not to repeat that experience, Alex started telling his daughter, “I’m so proud of you,” every chance he got. But one day, he realised that those words were becoming a routine phrase rather than a heartfelt message. The compliments felt empty.
He paused to reflect on his identity as a dad. He asked himself: Why do I say I’m proud so often? What am I trying to achieve? That introspection helped him see that he craved a close connection, but he was emulating a fatherly gesture he’d never truly received—and it wasn’t landing authentically.
By acknowledging this, Alex shifted gears. He began pointing out specific things he appreciated about his daughter’s effort, kindness, or creativity. Instead of “I’m proud of you,” he’d say, “I noticed how patiently you helped your little brother with his puzzle. That was really thoughtful of you.” The result? A deeper, more genuine bond that aligned with the kind of dad Alex truly wanted to be.
How I Can Help
If you find yourself feeling stuck—unsure how to break old patterns or clarify your fatherhood identity—consider reaching out for guidance. I specialise in helping dads become more confident, improve their relationships at home, and build a family legacy that feels authentic.
To learn more about my approach, visit:
https://www.beasuperdad.com/services
There’s no pressure, only an open invitation if you need someone to walk alongside you as you define (or redefine) who you are as a dad.
Join the Conversation: Share and Engage
What three words describe the dad you are right now?
What three words describe the dad you aspire to be?
Leave your answers in the comments if you feel comfortable sharing, or jot them down privately. Tag a friend or two who might benefit from reflecting on their own fatherhood identity. The more dads who connect on these topics, the stronger our collective support network becomes.
If you found this post valuable, consider forwarding it to a fellow dad or saving it for a future read.
Remember: Fatherhood identity isn’t static. It evolves as you do—day by day, challenge by challenge, joy by joy. By intentionally shaping who you are, you give your children a living example of growth, resilience, and love.